Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Election Coverage 2018. We here at These Terrible Times are happy to bring you breaking news from the polls around the country. So let’s get right down to it:
As the polls close in the state of Maine, it appears that things are being settled rather cordially which is a good sign for the rest of the night. The campaign between Monroe Cole and Harold Harrison has come down to a simple bout of rock, paper scissors…
Moving on to the New England region, voters are choosing the most embarrassing moment in the region’s political history. In a neck to neck battle, it has come down to Michael Dukakis driving a tank versus Howard Dean’s “Yahoo!” heard round the world:
Meanwhile, in upstate Chappaqua New York, former First Lady Hillary Clinton is taking on opponent Watson, the IBM super computer. The results of this race are likely to be delayed late into the night due to technical glitches with the voting machines.
In New York City, things are getting tense as two new political parties vie for positioning in the next mayoral race. The Sharks Party and the Jets Party have been at each other’s throats since the campaign season began.
Moving to neighboring Hackensack New Jersey, dark horse candidate Monty Brewster continues to push ahead with his unorthodox campaign which seems quite popular with the voters:
Blood is boiling in the Pennsylvania and Ohio battlegrounds as voters elect their favorite sports heroes.
In Pennsylvania, the contest is between Philadelphia born Kobe Bryant and native son Wilt Chamberlain. While Kobe Bryant was a great player for the Los Angeles Lakers, it appears that Chamberlain is pulling away with the vote as he not only played for the Lakers, but also played for Pennsylvania’s Philadelphia 76ers. Of course, being the only player ever to score 100 points in a game is an added bonus.
Ohio voters are torn between future and past glories. In the Cleveland area especially, the debate is over whether LeBron James is still the city’s favorite athlete or if new rookie sensation and Heisman Trophy winner Baker Mayfield will bring glory to the long suffering Cleveland Browns. Early returns say James holds an early lead due to bringing a championship title to the city a few years ago, but Mayfield is gaining momentum.
Changing over to the Baltimore, Maryland area, it looks like…
…ummm, things may be taking a turn for the worse. Maybe we’ll check back in later…
Cutting over to Washington DC, a contentious battle between John Yerkes Iselin and Thomas Jordan continues with a late night debate as polling stations approach closing time:
LGBT rights are at the forefront of the race in Virginia where Bert And Ernie continue to bring awareness to the public after this summer’s controversial debate over whether the two friends were actually gay lovers.
Moving west to the West Virginia / Kentucky border towns, in one of the nastiest and bitter campaign fights, William Hatfield and Randall McCoy are neck and neck in a race that’s too close to call.
Back in North Carolina, the most controversial moment of the campaign season was between candidates Cam Brady and Marty Huggins. Brady had a firm lead in the polls until this incident was caught on camera:
Due to this terrible incident, it appears that Huggins will pull out this electoral race.
Meanwhile, down in Georgia, the candidates are still wrestling for the final vote as they position for the public say on their platforms:
In one of the more interesting contests of the evening, Tennessee is determining whether local candidate Al Gore is welcome back to the political arena or if political upstart candidate, the former lucha libre wrestler El Nino will score the win.
The states of Alabama and Mississippi have approved a referendum to settle all future political issues on the football field. Shocking, but not surprising it seems…
Similarly, the great state of Louisiana has passed a bill that calls for all policy issues to be determined by piano battle. We kid you not:
While former First Lady Hillary Clinton is awaiting election results in New York, her husband former President Bill Clinton is participating in a local Arkansas election against the Arkansas Razorback cheerleaders. Early returns show Clinton in deep, deep trouble…
Meanwhile, in the important swing state of Florida, they are still counting chads from paper ballots in 2000. Don’t expect results any time soon…
THIS JUST IN:
Despite calls stating that politician Thomas Dewey had won the race in Chicago, Illinois, it appears that incumbent Harry Truman has actually held on to his seat in that contest. We apologize for any incorrect early information. Please don’t send us “Fake News” emails.
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in a contentious race between opponents Mr. Lenny and Mr. Squiggy, it seems that the candidates have struck a conciliatory tone and have agreed to work together to lead that great state.
Next door in neighboring Minnesota, voters have gathered around several VCRs where they are trying to determine whether Meryl Streep should have given up her son or her daughter in the 1982 movie “Sophie’s Choice”.
In the Dakota territory, it looks like voters have chosen a return to traditional values as they have overwhelmingly sided with Crazy Horse over challenger George Armstrong Custer. Still, Custer is holding out on conceding…
The local populace of the St. Louis Missouri area appear to be picking favorite Mark McGwire once again over perceived outsider Sammy Sosa…
…and in Nebraska, there are reported fears of tampering and vote rigging in the contest between Tracy Flick and Paul Metzler.
For some reason, Oklahomans have returned back to their 1998 roots, choosing the band Hanson to represent their state in 2019 instead of the Spice Girls who recently announced a 2019 reunion.
Moving west, for those of you in the Colorado area…
Ooops, nothing to see here…let’s move on to Utah where voters are currently in a 50 – 50 split between Joseph Smith and a bottle of moonshine:
And in Texas, voters are not choosing between steers and queers, but between who is the most annoying millionaire franchise owner in the state: the Dallas Cowboys Jerry Jones or the Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban.
In New Mexico, actor Bryan Cranston is holding his own in an important local election against relative unknown Heisenberg, with a referendum on drug legalization on the line.
While next door in Arizona…
…looks like either technical difficulties or low voter turn out. We’ll check back in a bit…
Moving on to the Pacific Northwest…
Actually, a quick word from our sponsor:
Now back to our coverage of Election Night 2018. In the state of Washington, things have gotten very nasty, virtually cutthroat between candidates John Rambo and Sheriff Will Teasle:
And in the state of Idaho, celebrations are underway for the victory of candidate Pedro Sanchez over challenger Summer Wheatley:
Moving to always quirky and interesting California, the race between Bill McKay and Jay Bulworth is also too close to call –
And on the local circuit, amidst the Hollywood elite, voters are picking who is worse between candidates Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson on their ballots. Entitled Proposition 69, Grande looked like she was in trouble as she has been typecast as a serial doughnut licker, but Davidson’s recent appearance on Saturday Night Live may have her beat by an eye-shot.
In Nevada, there are no major races this year as retired Senator Harry Reid is happily among his pomegranate trees, gamblers are wasting their life savings and tourists can at least participate in the Democratic process by taking the Pepsi challenge:
For those of you who have stuck with us through this entire broadcast, we thank you! Two states left and one final poll!
In Alaska, the 50 or so people who live there are voting whether they want former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin back as Governor or if they want On Deadly Ground era Steven Seagal who has campaigned on a strong environmental policy.
And in Hawaii, Lilo vs. Stitch will not be determined until early morning at this time…
We thank you again for your time!
In our final straw poll among American voters, we asked a percentage of the population who they would rather have as President in 2020:
11/6/18 Image of the Day – Donald Trump or this lamp…
The lamp currently holds an 80% to 20% advantage.